- +

I try to think of how my life would probably be

without you, I would feel so unhappy

cuz you balance me out

You're the minus to my plus

when it's just the two of us

Jess & Jonny - Lights

I don't want to fall hard so fast, but I can't help it. I don't want to sound so lovestruck and hung up and silly and annoying, but it's all I ever think about. When everything around us seems to be crumbling, I'm so glad we're still going strong. It's only been a couple of days, but it's going well.

Love is too strong, too early. But I do really, really, really, really, really, really like you. And I hope you do too.

xx

14/01/2010

love it.

xx

pondering amidst the steam and snow

It's 1C outside, and I'm huddled in my room, both roommates out, with my steaming green tea in my green M&M mug. I'm meant to be reading something for class tomorrow, but the school system is down. So now I have a proper reason to procrastinate!

Even if we're not official, I feel so lucky to have R around. I really, really do. He's one of the few things that made it exciting for me to come back to London. So many people around me want to stay another week back home, want to go back to HK already. I love that city, and it will always be my #1 favourite place in the world, but London's my life now. Because I have something/one to look forward to.

Which makes me think: without R, would I be as enthusiastic about coming back? Seeing my situation now, sitting in my room, bored out of my mind, it doesn't seem like London's that happening right now. Maybe it's because of the cold. I went to Tottenham Court Road just now, and couldn't bring myself to walk to Oxford Street because of the cold. I keep saying that London is loads of fun and I love it. But seriously, in all honesty, is London that exciting for me?

No. I doubt it. School's not particularly exciting, the weather's far from fabulous. It gets bright at 9am, then dark at 4pm. Food's not that great (unless I eat out, but that costs a bit)... Sounds dreary.

So I do count my lucky stars that I have R to look forward to. I have our dinner to be excited about. I have to endure some painful lectures and classes, but it's worth it.

It still shocks people when I tell them I've never had a serious boyfriend before. I haven't told the entire world, but those who I have told, tend to respond with, 'really? You don't seem like that type'. Not sure what that means. But I guess I get their drift. And it's not like I avoided being in a relationship. I don't have commitment issues. Just the right person never came along. I've had bad experiences that I've grown up from, and a couple of opportunities, but nobody really struck me as dateable or fanciable. Sure, I've eyed up guys before, thinking 'God, he's cute'. But if I really think about it, if that guy asked me on a date, would I be having fun? Would we be able to talk? I wouldn't be able to stand someone who couldn't hold a conversation with me.

Which is why I'm so confused about R. Should I even be? He is, after all, 'a great catch' and 'a legend'. I certainly know it. But am I falling hard just because he's the first guy I've truly let into my world? Is it all just innocent stupidity and naivity, thinking this one will be The One? Or is it the reverse: that he's the one guy I've truly become close with because in my mind I know he's the first guy who is actually worth my time?

I'm confuzzled. As I always am. And I know I shouldn't be. What's there to be confuzzled about?

This is what the London cold, and the LSE system failure, does to you.

because i'm bored

haven't updated this in ages, but just went on Yvonne's, and since I have nothing to do, here we go!

* * *

1) What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
Graduated (without a ceremony), gotten stitches, kissed a boy I truly like, lived in London!

2) Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Don't usually make NY resolutions... Just live life to the fullest, I guess. I have aspirations, but no resolutions.

3) Did anyone close to you give birth?
In 2009? No... Don't think so.

4) Did anyone close to you die?
Yes. 19th August 2009. RIP Mr Dunn xx

5) What countries did you visit?
London (obvs), Hungary, Italy, Spain, Portugal, Greece

6) What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
A boyfriend. =)

7) What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
19th August: Mr Dunn's death. Too much of a shock to ever forget.
AU Carol + AU nights in general
18th December: last date with R before Christmas. For obvious reasons. =)

8) What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting an A in English Literature, even though nobody thought I would.

9) What was your biggest failure?
Blacking out.

10) Did you suffer illness or injury?
Injury? Of course! Biggest one would be the coral incident in Koh Samui. Stitches has to top everything, really!

11) What was the best thing you bought?
Office ankle boots! Tops from Topshop! Ohmygod you want me to list EVERYTHING??

12) Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Nobody's. HAHAHAHA.

13) Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
At one point, mine.

14) Where did most of your money go?
Food and clothes. Latter part, R can vouch for that (as well as my Dad, who is paying my credit card bills...)

15) What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Getting into LSE, beating main rivals for basketball, every single date with R.

16) What songs will always remind you of 2008?
2008? Erm that already seems too far away!

17) Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
b) thinner or fatter?
c) richer or poorer?
Happier, thinner and... no comment.

18) What do you wish you'd done more of?
Seen more people I loved, I guess. Learnt the lesson that the unexpected can happen.

19) What do you wish you'd done less of?
Nothing I can think of...

20) How did you spend Christmas?
Extremely low-key with my family. Think we had dinner out, but that was it. It was good. =)

21) Did you fall in love in 2009?
Next question!

22) What was your favourite TV program?
American Idol (as always), Bones, Criminal Minds

23) Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Ooh. Hate is such a strong word! But I'm very very tempted to say yes...

24) What was the best book you read?
Don't think I read this last year but 'Food of Love' by Anthony Capella. The best.

25) What was your greatest musical discovery?
Owl City (not 2009 but still) and Cobra Starship's Hot Mess. Oh, Carolina Liar.

26) What did you want and get?
LSE; A good network of people in London; a close friend in London

27) What did you want and not get?
Dunn's recovery.

28) What was your favourite film of the year?
Sherlock Holmes and Avatar. They do count as 2009 films, right?

29) What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Turned 19. Was with the family, on the cruise. Had a nice dinner at Portofino. Yumyumm!

30) What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Getting an A instead of a B in History. What a nerdy thought.

31) How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
Started off with tees and jeans, then evolved to more sweater dresses, tights and boots. Or tops, shorts and boots.

32) What kept you sane?
Family, friends.

33) Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Oh so many... Christian Bale? Or Becks. Mmmmm Becks...

34) What political issue stirred you the most?
I remember so many I got a bit annoyed about. But thinking back I don't remember the specifics.

35) Who did you miss?
Everybody who I cared about that wasn't in London/UK (Yvonne, Jonny, Cheryl, Jane, Anna)

36) Who was the best new person you met?
Joanna, Kat, Kendall, Jules, Mike (basically the basketball team), Samir, Sarah (basically the tennis team), but top prize goes to R, I guess.

37) Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009?
Pace yourself. Don't talk to dodgy strangers. Live and love.

38) Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

I've been around the world, I've seen so many places

Living the life I've worked so hard to make it

Trading the world for money, stars and power

Living my life at 100 miles an hour

I'm loving you like it was the first time

* * *

Yeah, thinking back, 2009 was quite the year. Filled with major ups and downs. Filled with drama and stupidity. But I've grown from every experience and every hurtful comment I know has been made about me. But I don't care. Because 2009 ended on a high. A real high. An indescribable high. If this is what's in store, bring it on, 2010!

xx